Wind in the fur. Open road below.
Submitted by T. Raufen
POTW Mystery Vault
This month, when the 18-wheeler careens into your lane at 85 miles per hour and sucks your car under the trailer, instantly decapitating your husband and seven children, watch out for stress-eating because there will be tons of funeral food. Talk about carb city.
Sometimes you have to accept that you canâ€™t have everything go your way, and you must give up your own wants for the sake of the group. But you still have the power to resent them.
Your dream to become an astronaut will be challenged when it comes to light that Jim Lovell gambled on his own shuttle launches, and intentionally threw the Apollo 13 mission so he could collect on a huge bet.
If you were a Peanuts character, which one would you be? If you ask me, youâ€™re a classic â€śShermieâ€ť. Donâ€™t remember him? Thatâ€™s my point.
We can learn something new every month if we let ourselves. And this is the month you learn that, because they lack reason, animals cannot give consent.
This month you will feel threatened, like the whole world is ganging up on you and putting you on trial for something you didnâ€™t do. But to be fair, how else are we supposed to find out if youâ€™re really a witch?
This month you will feel like youâ€™re stuck in an endless cycle. You need to eat, so you work and work and work for your food, and then it starts all over again the next day. Itâ€™s understandable you feel this way, because you are Yogi Bear.
This month, take up a volunteer project. Spend time with the elderlyâ€”they could really use the company. When youâ€™re having conversations with them, casually mention the fact that they are going to die soon. It makes it way easier on them if theyâ€™re not in denial about it.
Itâ€™s 2012. Youâ€™re a year older and a year wiser. Emphasis on â€śolderâ€ť. Iâ€™m not saying you need to get a TON of work done, but I got a great neck guy if you want his number.
This month will have you in an enterprising spirit as you will finally stop complaining about doctors and get those gallstones out yourself.
Just because youâ€™re a pimp doesnâ€™t mean you canâ€™t be a good manager. That means: get your hoâ€™s regular checkups for STIâ€™s, use words before switchblades, and negotiate a group rate for crack.
2012 will be the year you die. Specifically, it will happen in the month ofâ€”TO READ THE REST OF THIS HOROSCOPE, PLUS ACCESS TO OUR ENTIRE ARCHIVE, SUBSCRIBE NOW!!!
Jim Rowley is writer living in Los Angeles.