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TOP FIVE
Leprechaun Secrets
by Dan Mahoney
1. Colin Farrell gave all the leprechaun women icky STDs and now their race is doomed.
2. Favorite cereal? Peanut Butter Kix.
3. They're the ones behind all those emails you've been getting from Nigeria.
4. A couple of innocent leprechauns...
were traveling to Greenland in the autumn of 2001 to play some tricks on the people there (something about the ice caps melting and involving the use of high-powered water guns) when they were detained by the TSA at a layover in Newark and sent to Guantanamo Bay. Their fates remain unknown.
5. They'RE NOT REAL!
KIDS, IF YOU ARE READING THIS I'M SORRY BUT THEY'RE JUST NOT REAL. THEY'RE MERELY ANOTHER FANTASTICAL CREATURE THAT YOU WILL NEVER EVER EVER SEE IN REAL LIFE NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY. IT'S YOUR TEACHERS WHO ARE LEAVING MOUNDS OF THAT GOLD-COLORED DUST AND EVIDENCE OF "TRICKS" ALL OVER YOUR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. THEY PROBABLY CAME IN EARLY JUST TO GET IT READY AND THEY ARE HAVING A DAMN GOOD LAUGH AT YOUR EXPENSE IN THE FACULTY BREAK ROOM. GO AHEAD AND HAVE A LISTEN. THOSE CHUCKLES AREN'T IN AN IRISH LILT ARE THEY? NO IT IS THE DISTINCT SOUND OF VERY FAMILIAR GROWN-UPS PULLING THE WOOL OVER "STUPID KIDDIES" EYES! HAVE YOU EVER TRIED TO ACTUALLY FIND THE END OF A RAINBOW I KNOW YOU HAVE. WELL KEEP ON TRYING YOUNGINS, YOU AIN'T EVER GONNA FIND IT, BECAUSE THERE IS NO END OF A RAINBOW, IT IS JUST REFRACTED LIGHT OR SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW YOU'RE THE ONES IN SCHOOL STILL GO ASK YOUR SCIENCE TEACHER, OH YEAH, HE'S NOT IN HIS CLASSROOM HE'S "LOOKING FOR THAT WILEY LEPRECHAUN" A.K.A. HAVING A SMOKE OUTSIDE WITH THE JANITOR. STILL DON'T BELIEVE ME FINE JUST GOOGLE THAT SHIT, YOU'RE SMART KIDS, THE INTERNET WILL TELL YOU THEY'RE NOT REAL AND WE ALL KNOW YOU TRUST THE INTERNET JUST DON'T TRUST 'TERRY' FROM MYSPACE HE'S NOT REALLY IN THE FIFTH GRADE OH YEAH SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE TOO, AND THE EASTER BUNNY.
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