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(September 10, 2010)

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TOP FIVE
Reasons Why April is the Cruelest Month
By Richard Tatum

In 1922 T.S. Eliot (no relation to my wife; those of you who know her are laughing—don’t say you’re not) published his epic poem, “The Wasteland” [link to HYPERLINK "http://www.bartleby.com/201/1.html" http://www.bartleby.com/201/1.html]. If you don’t know it, go read it. Then ring your brain out. But in his first line is says: “April is the cruellest month, breeding Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing Memory and desire, stirring Dull roots with spring rain.” (sic) Heady stuff. But I think now in the 21st Century there are other reasons why this first line is true. Here are five.

1. The IRS
Okay—taxes are due, duh. If you don’t know this one, either you have people who do this for you or you should go ask your parent or guardian what “taxes” are. Or you live in a cave - happily, no doubt.

2. 'Nuff Said
Have you met my ex? Her name is April. I still have the welts.

3. “April showers bring May flowers.”
Awesome…unless you have wicked allergies, in which case it sucks like a Hoover on the deep-pile setting.

4. April Fool's Day & Easter
Let’s all celebrate when early Christians changed the calendar to mess with non-believers and absconded with the Spring ritual to make it about Jesus! Seriously, people: ever wonder why BUNNIES, CHICKS AND EGGS???

5. Spike TV will air the entire “Star Wars” saga this April.
I’m honestly not sure which is worse: sitting through these (mostly) poorly-acted exercises in directorial excess and marketing masturbation…or watching these (mostly) poorly-acted exercises in directorial excess and marketing masturbation with commercial interruptions every three minutes!

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