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TOP FIVE
Ways to Join in on Hailing Jiff
Rounding out the bizarre and incomprehensible month-long observances, November has been dubbed "Peanut Butter Lover's Month." I didn't
realize that this subset of the world required its own megalomaniacal observance...until now. I've since realized the error of my ways and have become as much of a fanatic about it as the rest of the cult who made the celebration up in the first place. I say "cult" because I have to imagine a group of black robe-clad peanut butter-lovers
standing in a circle opening the ceremonial jar of Jiff. Once that hermetically-sealed, sacred jar is opened with a satisfying gasp of air, priests and minions alike rejoice and begin the All Hail Jiff God
prayer. Well, that's what I imagine, at least...
Here are a few ways you too can join in on the jubilation that is Peanut Butter Lover's Month:
1. PB Puppy
Share the wealth of the Peanut Butter God with your pooch...and time how long it takes for him to stop opening and closing his mouth like an alligator with Tourrette's. You won't be disappointed by how
ridiculous he looks. Your friends will either enjoy this bit of animal sadism with you, or will laugh about your rapid descent into juvenile delinquency. Either way, a good time is ensured.
2. A Non-Lame Phobia...
Treat the aforementioned pooch for his inevitable
arachibutyrophobia; that is, his fear of peanut butter being stuck to the roof of his mouth. Try your hand at some phobia extinction therapies. I always consult Wikipedia and Google for all of my psychological assessment and treatment needs.
3. High-Brow Hors D'oeuvres
Host a dinner party where peanut butter fingers are the hors d'oeuvres of the evening. If you're not familiar with this high-brow appetizer, consult Joey Tribbiani's guide to fine dining.
4. Schwasted? Scotchguard!
Host a peanut butter tapas party! You may need to invest in a new circle of friends after this evening, but if you pour enough booze in them, anything can happen. My sommelier friends tell me that Zins will complement a PB&J sandwich quite
nicely. And...getting the partygoers schwasted will always salvage a sinking party...just be sure to Scotchguard thoroughly...
5. Jackass Ain't Got Nothin' on You
Strip naked and slather yourself in the ooey gooey
lovin' that is peanut butter and wait for the squirrels to go for the gold...you're nuts!
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